You view all of your partners as clingy
People with an avoidant attachment style can often feel smothered in relationships, even when their partner’s behaviour is in no way too much. If you have ended multiple relationships because you’ve felt suffocated, and no amount of compromise on your partner’s end has changed that, there’s a good chance your attachment style has been motivating your feelings, rather than your partner’s actual actions.
Solution: spend intentional time together
The solution to feeling stifled in your relationship is not just to ask for more alone time, as this can hurt your partner and only indulges the avoidant impulse to sidestep emotional closeness. Instead, prioritize intentional time spent with your partner doing shared activities like painting or exercising, as this will allow you to realise how much you enjoy their company in a low-pressure way.
You try to solve all your problems alone
People with an avoidant attachment style often have formative experiences of not being provided with consistent emotional care, and this can make them unwilling to be vulnerable and admit they need help. If your first instinct when experiencing difficulty is to solve the problem alone before even telling your partner about it, then you might have avoidant tendencies.
Solution: communicate your needs with your partner
If you have an avoidant attachment style, allowing your partner in to help solve your problems may be too difficult at first. Instead, try communicating to your other half that the next time you approach them with an issue you’re experiencing, you simply need them to provide emotional support and a listening ear, rather than a solution-oriented mindset.
You totally withdraw during arguments
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but people with an avoidant attachment style may find it especially difficult to deal with. If during fights, your first instinct is to either physically or emotionally withdraw by leaving the room, refusing to talk or giving short, curt answers, then it could be that you’re afraid of the closeness that comes with working through problems together.
Solution: write out your feelings
Consistently shutting down during arguments isn’t a sustainable strategy for a healthy relationship, but it can be difficult to use your words in an emotionally-charged situation like a fight. Instead, try letting your partner know you’re going to step away for ten minutes and write out your feelings on your phone. This should give you the required distance to engage with the issue.
You leave relationships when they get too deep
Maybe the biggest indication that someone has an avoidant attachment style is that they have no problem getting into relationships, but always seem to break up with their other half just as things are about to get serious. If you get an “alarm bells” feeling you can’t explain just when a relationship starts to feel comfortable, your attachment style could be to blame.
Solution: make time for no-pressure intimacy
Working through the impulse to flee even when you’re happy in a relationship is a big endeavour, and may even require the help of a relationship therapist. However, one thing that might help is sharing your fears with your other half, and making time for physical or emotional closeness that is specifically stated to have no obligations attached. Over time, this should help you feel more secure.
You never voice your relationship concerns
Even in the healthiest relationships, people have their niggling annoyances or concerns. The difference is, people secure in their partnership feel able to share those concerns with their partner, without aggression, resentment or denial. If you tend to keep your problems to yourself, or communicate via sulking or passive aggression rather than honesty, you could have an avoidant attachment style.
Solution: have regular check-ins with your partner
The solution to keeping relationship concerns to yourself isn’t just to bottle them up until they explode out during a fight, as this can make them impossible to work through and solve. Instead, schedule regular check-ins with your partner, so you can unpack your feelings in a much less emotionally-charged situation and in a way that feels routine.