1. Can you hurry up please?
If she is making the effort to blow dry her hair, contour her face and blend blend blend her eyeshadow, don’t you dare tell her to get a move on. Beauty takes time and if you want to look at her beautiful face all night, you’re going to have to WAIT.
2. She’s fit
‘She’ could be her mother, her sister, her best friend, your colleague or even a random girl in the street. You don’t ever, under any circumstances admit that you find any other female on the planet attractive. If you’re lucky enough to have a girl who has great control over her emotions you might not even realise the damage you’ve done. Just because your girlfriend doesn’t go flying off the handle doesn’t mean she’s happy to hear that you don’t only have eyes for her.
3. I don’t want you speaking to him
As IF she’s going to let you tell her who she can and can’t speak to. In fact, the more you complain about her having a male friend, the more she will talk to her male friend about how annoying you’re getting.
4. Maybe you should wear this
Let’s get this straight, she wears what she wants and she isn’t dressing for YOU. Girls dress to make themselves feel nice and if you get all Dolce & Gabbana on her, you’re going to find yourself in hot water. You don’t and you shouldn’t know anything about female fashion, so don’t try and get involved.
5. I don’t like your friend(s)
Her friends were there long before you and there’s a chance they’ll be around long after you. If you don’t like her friends and she feels like she can’t hang out with you all together, she’ll have a choice to make and she’ll choose the girls…
6. Why didn’t you text me back
Needy much? You can’t put a girl off quicker than showing her you’re insecure. Before the words have even left your mouth you’ll see her eyes glaze over as she starts wondering how to end the relationship. Ain’t nobody got time for that!
7. I think I’ve got the flu
If you understood the pain women go through on a monthly basis you wouldn’t be so quick to wallow in self pity when a common cold strikes. Have a Lemsip and get on with your life. When you say ‘flu’ she hears ‘man flu’, don’t be the boy who cried wolf because when the flu does come round, she won’t be there to pass the tissues.
8. Have another cookie
Don’t encourage her to not stick to her diet. She’s on a diet for a reason (whether you think she should be or not is irrelevant) so don’t interfere. Even the mere suggestion that she can eat food that she hadn’t planned to eat is enough to send her over the edge. Respect her decision to eat healthily and support her at this difficult time.
9. You’re lucky to have me
Two words: See ya!
10. Where have you been/Where are you going/Where are you going to be?
You’re one step off giving her a GPS tracker and downloading an app to track her movement live. She’s not your property and what she does all day is none of your business so stop asking questions and give her some space before she decides she needs a break.